m0ii st0riee

2011-10-23T15:18:00.003+08:00

sorwie peeps, haven't been updating this space.
been busy with work and fell ill for the past 3 weeks.
Am now on recovery and gonna make my work life a wonderful journey ahead!

kinda lost focus sometime back and then got into a self-victimizing mode, thinking that because i am sick, so it's normal to be under performing. Slowly i reprimanded myself but didn't get my concentration back to do what's necessary. Then, my focus's blur again and the cycle repeated.

I have always been bad at handling my own disappointments and emotions. I too realise putting a strong front may be essential at times but the most important thing is how to fix the weaker me in there. I know i can do it and so i am gonna think differently and act differently to routines, so as to break through from my personal best.

I so love my industry, because it makes me realise my flaws and it teaches me about life: from handling rejections to maintaining attitude during low tides etc etc..
and even if i may have many failures now, i know that all these will become wonderful stories to tell when i succeed.

have you been doing the same things over and over again? make a change today, FOR YOURSELF :D

2011-09-11T20:38:00.003+08:00

i just realised this not long ago:

I AM WORKING 7 DAYS A WEEK.
mon-sat for my sales career and sunday at stall.
for this matter of fact, my response can be 2
1) 他妈的。
2) make the best out of everyday and take ample breaks whenever possible

and to make my life a better one where i embrace and conquer the difficulties i may face, my response can be 2 as well
1) give up my current job, find a 5-day work week job with basic pay
2) why not work hard tho tedious and enjoy later?

for both mcq, i choose the 2nd option and it's a everyday decision.
And so, my thinking now is to work hard and my rewards will come in later where i can earn enough for my parents to switch job and so MY SUNDAYS will be freee!!! *yeahhhh*

what are your personal and business goals? are you looking at them everyday and looking forward to achieve? Never settle with the average if you wanna progress, however when you stick your head into the clouds, stay grounded. :D

p.s I got promoted to corporate trainer on monday and now on i can start to manage new people :DDDD new skills await me to learn and i am eggcited about it :D

2011-09-02T22:11:00.002+08:00

Dear all who are still watching this space.

A round of applause to me for attaining my 2 sales yesterday and today 1 deal! I am starting to get the hang of things and able to break through my comfort zone better. I am much quick witted now and I am so glad that things progressed. It's really so heartwarming to see yourself earning your own credits and what more people in your company gives you recognition for your effort. Especially thanks to my mentor who asked me not to be stressed about results but more of the skills needed and am so grateful to boss who went down to field to work with me, challenged me to compete with him and that he came down to give support yesterday as well.

I really feel glad to see happy faces everyday at office and that everyone has their own story and sets of goal to pursue in this company. It's like regardless of where you come from, you get an equal chance to promote and learn more as long as you put in the effort. Each individual in my company has their good points that i can learn from and i do enjoy this whole learning experience and look forward to get promoted to trainer so that i will learn about recruitment and people development. It's not the title that i am looking at but the things that i'll get to learn that excites me. End of the day: what spurs you on into doing a routine? think about small things you get to achieve, be it a lesson, a skill, a break through is good enough to make you going FOR YOURSELF. :DDD

oh and i went to attend Bailamos to support my ntu salsa loves. Enjoyed the social dancing and meeting my salsaroes. so much love. and oh boss was kind to let me off half day! hahaha :D

oritey, i will work hard and get promoted by next week. update you guys again :D

2011-08-25T21:15:00.002+08:00

so it is my day fourth out in the field to do sales. It wasn't good today in terms of sales but i think i take back good lessons as to improve my next few days. Also, everyday is a learning day and i guess i shall applaud myself that i managed to self-motivate at the final hr of my job and went back field to pitch to 2 people!

it's really all in the mind.
sales can be easy & difficult. easy because it's just the standard things you introduce but of course the way to put it is another skill to acquire. I think i am still figuring this industry step by step, see what it can offer me and whether i can fit into it.Everyday a learning day, everyday a new day.

What makes me stay on despite nil sale is because

the learning opportunities the company offers
the happening and motivating colleagues and boss! (my boss came down tampines from office [at tanjong pagar] just to talk to me and bought drinks for us!) when i sold things, i received 4-5 smses from colleagues whom i nv spoke to before. when i don't do well, like today, i also received smses that encourage me a lot. they don't have to "suck up" to me right? i am a newbie and it's the seniors who sms-ed to spur me on, to make me feel better.
i wanna be like some of them aka the branch managers who are just as young as me! I wanna get inspired from leaders who are willing to share. I met a young lady who is 4 years into the industry after she grad from mechanical engineering from nus today and she really is a role model. She has no air at all despite leading a team of about 20 men and willing to sit down meet us to share her uncertainties and goals when she first stepped into the industry.

hmm, at the end of the day, it's ur personal goals that push u further. at least, this is what i found out from my 4 days in my company. That's why self motivation is soo important, ask yourself why are you doing what you'r doing. There's nothing wrong with someone wanting a stable job with constant income, there's also nothing wrong with someone who wants a full-commissioned job but more of where you set your sight for the longer run.

sales is tough but i know i can make it and i'll make it better tomorrow.

2011-08-21T22:05:00.002+08:00

突然间，我觉得我的文凭很贵。
无论是文科，商科或是工程系，学费都一样，付出的时间也相同（除商科只需3年）。
然而，毕业后的门路不同，薪水也大大不同，至少在事业的起薪点有很大的差异。

修读文科的我们，大概只能期望2.3-2.4千，但是若是“进军”金融业／科学工程系等等的却能期待一份大约2.6千以上的工作。同时，文科的文凭没有何“专业性”，因此除了在翻译界／教育界／报信业比较吃香之外，在其余的大学毕业生当中，也只是泛泛之辈。

不过，起薪点不代表一切，因为我相信凡事只要力争上游，把握时机，放眼未来和锁定目标，那么一定能做出一番好事业。钱财不能完全代表一个人的成功，因为开心更重要。

啊。。
寻寻觅觅，凄凄惨惨悽悽。哈哈。
虽然在应征工作的途中感到心灰，为什么自己的文凭和在课外活动的“业绩”不够吸引人呢？不过，我意不冷，我要乐观面对，我的未来将会很精彩！

2011-08-16T23:57:00.002+08:00

i dun wanna do sales.
but i dun mind doing sales for the product i believe in.
i dun wanna do marketing.
but i dun mind doing marketing for the company that i like.
i dun wanna do admin.
but i dun mind doing admin for the necessary preparation that will aid in my career.

i wanna do events, for a good cause i.e wedding planner.
i wanna do events, for a personal networking i.e corporate/conferences
i wanna do events, for money i.e mkting and sales. (not)

i wanna deal with the tourism sector.
i wanna deal with the drama and media sector.
i wanna deal with ...

what do i envision myself?
it's fine that the end might not be what i envision right? Because if i do know, then there's nothing interesting anymore...i wanna break from my comfort zones because feeling at ease all the time doesn't bring in growth..

2011-08-08T00:07:00.010+08:00

i watched "City Hunter" starring Lee Min ho and Park Min Young on scv and decided to finish the show online since the tv only has the program twice a week. It was pretty well done and i must say the actors' emotions etc don't look raw nor under standard. They are only 24-25 years old and I would say if opportunities come by, their acting skills will go a greater height.

anw, this entry isn't supposed to be praising them. but i just wanna add some color to this blog.
and so I do have a different perspective of Lee Min Ho after his appearance from Boys over flower. Personally, i think he looks better in City Hunter and has definitely gain that charisma from the character that he was dealing with.

So I also thought of another two korean male actors whom i kinda fond of after watching "A moment to remember" (a movie in 2005) as well as "kim sum soon" (a korean drama) and they are: Jeong Woo Seong & Hyun Bin respectively.

Of course, pretty korean actresses caught my attention too.
Son Ye Jin from "A moment to remember",Ku Hye Sun from "Boys over flower" as well as Kim Tae Hee from "Love story in Harvard".

heh. feels a lil like those pri sch days when i would flip magazines and look at the rising celebs. oh wells.

a moment to remember:Jeong Woo Seong & Son Ye Jin
I think he was very man in the show and she being very gentle.

below: Hyun Bin

Lee Min Ho's look in city hunter vs boys over flower. was it the hair problem?

Park Min Young from City Hunter. Her skin is flawless! Her close up shots on screen was like ahhhhhhh sooooo pretty!

the lady who got famous because of her self take pictures and was spotted to enter the showbiz:Ku Hye Sun

Last but not least Kim Tae Hee, i really think she's sooo gorgeous! But that kinda restricts the type of character that she can deal with.

kk. back to job hunt.

2011-08-02T11:48:00.000+08:00

and so this entry begins with me telling you that i have rejected c&k last week. I didn't mind venturing into a brand new industry that i have never done before but not when it requires to tie me down for 2 years. I don't wish to be bind when i ain't sure if the job suits me in the long run, hence despite the good reputation the company has and the potential prospect i'll get, i decided to give it a miss.

It was a struggle.
It was a first job offer (other than a louya 1.6k job that some events company gave).
It was a good experience for interview skills.

and soooo it was back to job search last wednesday and yup the cycle repeats.

The big question is there since the day i had to decide if i wanna give c&k a shot and it is:
WHAT DO I WANT TO BE AT THE END OF THE DAY?
A retail manager or conference manager. I know the mind chose the latter so it just further confirm that it was a good decision to drop c&k.

However, wanting to be a conference/events manager is also something vague. Cos i am still unsure of the actual job scope but am asking around to get more information. (thankq friends who have helped me to keep a look out).The industry has a spectrum of activities and so do i wanna be part of those bigger projects where i deal with a small portion of it or do i wanna manage my own smaller scaled event like some company's dnd or meeting? The more you find, the more you realise things ain't that simple. On top of that, i often question my own abilities if i am cut for it. I have my weaknesses in events management as well so what are the qualities that will impress interviewers?

My parents hope that i can get a steady job aka regular hours and steady pay. My ambition to enter the events industry has its first hurdle: to gain my parents' support. Then again, i don't really need them to give me encouragements in it but rather, an understanding mind that this is what i see myself doing and willing to excel in it because of my past experiences. Who doesn't wanna do something that he/she can feel good about? right? So, while i still trying to squeeze my way into the industry, i have to "convince" them along the way. I understand their concern and so that also make me think of another question: Am i just narrowing my options to events? What about some govt job/other service sector that may satisfy my wants?

so MANY QUESTIONS!!! grrr.

shan't elaborate on that question but actually if you ask what has been really my keen interest in career. i would say it's the media industry aka front line drama/broadcast/performance.
I wanted it since young but never dare to continue to dream about really entering the industry because of my complexion, because of the knowing that it'll be a big NONO from my parents. tsk tsk tsk.

and now i am gonna look into websites after websites to source for interested positions from 1-2 industries. aye, what a way to end this entry.

lucks to all.

2011-07-26T23:41:00.004+08:00

tell u all what happened oso misunderstand.
nv tell u all you say i keep things to myself, you say i don't give a darn, you say i never work hard enough.
wtf have i done wrong that i am sucha daughter to you you tell me?

you tired, okie i understand then have u bloody understand the issues that were running through my mind the whole of last week because i had to make a decision for the next 2 years? And to think i updated you two everytime whenever the HR replied and then now i am in a dilemma cos i ain't sure if i shud still consider other positions and then u say i dun like this dun like that dunnoe what i wanna do. fuck u, like i wanna be indecisive? then since when did u care to listen to what i wanna do? you dun get it ? fine, i explain nicely in simpler terms of what i did but u just treated them like nonsense like it's not worthy right. if u are so capable then when didn't u get organised and get a helper for our stall so that ur kids can study/work in peace.why not take note of ur own temper. fuck.

and what's wrong with hanging out with my friends? what did i do or fucking bother ur life even if i am out till late. did i sleep around or what? did i go clubbing or what? did i? and what's wrong with meeting people during school holidays? THIS IS THE FUCKING ONLY TIME TO meet people what. and i will always try to prepare ur dinner before i leave or to marinate stuff so that it can ease the family's preparation for dinner. why shud i be rushing when other kids can take their time? excuse me? u ever care what i did? do i fucking care if our customers praise me or to say that i am hardworking? i dont want them? they are burdens to me!
you fucking just dun understand me at all.

don't blame people for not telling u things, it never had been pleasant to talk to you about serious things. becos this is the 2nd time i had to hold back my feelings and to reason to you the timeline of this job srch episode and cry in room.
darn it.

2011-07-23T23:39:00.002+08:00

so exams ending in late may.
i went for charles&keith's management trainee interview on mid june.
vietnam backpacking in late june.
got back early july and c&k 2nd interview on 18th july.
holy mama. i got the job offer.
if nothing goes wrong, i'm accepting and expects to start work on 1st aug.

EVERYTHING HAPPENS SO FAST!

i ain't giving up on where i visioned myself to be at, i'll make it happen.

aggh this is sucha short post to update whoever that is still reading.

2011-05-31T23:37:00.005+08:00

i love brown paper bags.
i love to smell in particular the ones that macdonald used.
i love to touch and watch those lil crumpled lines formed.

i also love to buy brown color papers based notebooks. I only get those that are blank ones so that i can do my own calendar, doodle, decorate 'em.
It's slightly different from the white colored ones because brown brings a lil vintage feel and make the background less plain. I like the old feeling it has.

next post: writers of my life thus far.

2011-05-28T00:16:00.002+08:00

I remember a friend telling me that she's getting lil selfish after her break up. I told her i understood and that I had my share too. I guess this realization of such feeling came clearer to me after i watched 'The Notebook', the male lead said to a lady who was there with him when he and his previous love broke up, he said: " you know i want to give you things you want, but i can't, it's all broken."

I guess it's the feeling that you just want all time and attention on yourself, your heart and soul and so you will tend to not want to bother with anything else. You don't wish to care too much for anything else other yourself, you don't even wanna be bothered. It's just too broken, too upset that nothing beats picking yourself up and just give others less love.

sometimes, i wonder were we a whole in the first place and being halved after entering a relationship so when it's over, we struggle to get back to when we were still single. It will be good if there's some mechanism that could enable us to forget things after a broken relationship, so that no one owes nothing and we'r back to who we were. oh wells.

2011-05-24T12:54:00.002+08:00

imagine this, you'd been dreaming about bag packing since a year ago but when it comes to the day that you thought you could have been overseas, you cannot.

and the issues are interconnected,firstly your friend couldn't make it and it's not his/her fault but having someone to "already" going with you made the trip 50% to realization because your parents will have to let you go.

2nd issue: money. With the initial idea to borrow money from the parents and repaying them when you get a job was the idea situation. But hey hang on girl, where does ur parents' money from from? From their long hours at a hawker center stall. So are you sure you wanna go holiday while they slog? i am pretty there's a part of you who will be screaming like crazy in your mind but family strings pull u darn tight.

3rd issue: time. what if your potential interviewer calls you up when you are about to travel? what are ur ideal dates? you planned to be away late june because you could help your parents during this school holidays and be back say early july for job/job hunt. but wait, reality gives u another issue to face. YOUR BROTHER.

4th issue: your dearest brother is retaking his O lvl english as well as juggling with his poly studies. He'll be having his first poly assessment tests in 5 weeks' time WHICH IS THAT VERY SAME DATE THAT YOU WANNA TRAVEL! and you can't travel 1-2 weeks before because he'll be revising, the air tix are expensive, neither can you travel after that because you really need to get a job say in jul onwards.

5th issue: and your ownself thinks "why is it so hard to just to have a getaway, to chill before i start my chapter next in life?" all these ain't anyone's fault because your bro didn't plan to flunk his paper, your friend didn't plan to be unavailable for your grad trip. And if traveling isn't planned now, when will i have have the luxury of time in the future? And while you try to calm down but sometimes couldn't help to think about traveling, these 5 things go in circle in ur head.

so how?
CONVINCE YOURSELF THAT IT ISN'T GONNA HAPPEN. YOU AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE!
and yes, the starting to convince yourself to discard your want is pretty hard, just think of better things to do in sg and find a job. Maybe, when you earn big bucks and then you can declare a holiday for yourself.
and this so-called-freedom is with strings attached.

can you imagine that situation? it's okie if you don't, there's a living example to experience it already.

2011-05-21T21:31:00.010+08:00

Exams ended on the 18th for serene, ellie and me. Laytin had her last paper on the 20th so we met for lunch in school and then tour around school compound.
Basically, we combed the src area, adm and north spine. We didn't go to south spine which we spent the most time at because it started drizzling. wells, we'll be back with our convo robe to take pics with my beloved hss building as well as the chinese heritage centre.

Let the pictures do the talking:
Actually we were quite an "irritant" because there were people waiting for exams yet we had our own fun. LOL. karma: perspired like mad!

and then we went to School of Arts, design and media and did jump shots again. Fortunately, there weren't any people around. I think my uniclique should enter the showbiz as comedians. LOL.
and then we walked up the slope that is right outside ADM, to the link bridges to the academic blocks aka engine block aka north spine. There we had some fun time tooo. Actually the school is rather pretty :DDD

thank you girls for making my uni life great. i will miss the LTs, the carpark benches, can B and the paths we often take together. no more "hello, where u?" "oh, outside..eh wait ah.. LT 25!"
Let's remember the days that bonded us, say YES! <3

2011-05-19T23:44:00.002+08:00

u think we don't know how much u have to work? U think we don't know how tired u can get everyday? U think we don't know u do want us to have a comfortable life?
And u bloody think we don't bother to think abt our future? And then blame that ur misunderstanding is becus we dont tell u things? hey take a step back, when is it that we had the time to talk? Okie fine, and when did u never ever come talk to us with a pre-mindset that made u say cruel words and then piss us as well.
Things go 2 ways, it's by time factor and the way u talk that make us not wanting to take the initiative to talk. And the thing is, even when we respond, u only select those u wanna hear and shoot us back with whatever bad image that u can think of.
Do i ever need ur acknowledgement for me working at stall? Do i ever need ur applause for every single performance i'v on stage or for any award that i got? Do i ever need ur comfort when i had my first break up? Hell no? And it's not becus u aint impt but becos i noe u didnt have the time so all i seek is ur understanding towards things i do? And u think i do events in uni for fun? Yes partially for fun as well as experiences! Becos i think abt my prospect, i think abt what i want. See the truth is i do think and care abt the well being of the family and u shud stop imposing ur mindset on ur words on the way u think of us.
Fair enuff, u might be too tired to think rationally, then dont get fed up when i try to reason nicely with u. I am not even saying that u are wrg becos i did understand ur point of view so all i did was to lay out the facts and let u noe how u cld post ur questions to us instead of scoldings. And yeah, why shud i be bothered to change a 51 yr old temper and u think i'm not respecting u. U think u slog for nothing, having 2 kids so immature. Den fuck oFf. Becos if u are to slap me, i'll walk away from this so called home.

2011-05-19T01:25:00.004+08:00

now that it's so said and done..
I wanna be a freshie lehh.
18th marked the end of my 8th examinations in uni and i am now a potential-graduate.
I ain't sure how shud i feel but i feel weird becos my final paper wasn't very well done yet it's pointless to think about it becus what's more important is whether the grades are okie for me to get my cert.And right now i'v difficulty resting becus i have no concrete plans as to what's next in life tho i will start spamming resumes and talking to people. i wanna get outta town but strings attached made me feel inadequate and my complains would prolly go no ending and so i'll shut up here unless necessary.
I suppose now = freedom. Freedom to?? To earn money!!! Grr. I dun wanna grow up.

2011-05-03T21:59:00.002+08:00

if there's love, will things be different?
if there's a choice, will things be different?
if there's a time machine, will things be different?
will things be different, in a better way?

and how many times should i think that things ain't that bad afterall? why do i always end up thinking that separating is the way out? i dislike such negative thought but you guys ain't being constructive to let me see hope in any positive progression. Will u end up regret your choice because you refuse to change for the better? and will the other you feel upset if whatever you'd hung for turned into something unpleasant? and will i be happy or sad or numb if the worst is to come? and will i have the courage to build that something in the near future? how will i feel? how will such a thought change me?

if there's a choice to rewind, i really rather ur paths didn't meet.

2011-04-25T01:13:00.003+08:00

i think i must be really stressed up with term report+presentation+oral.
i actually played angry bird game plus this stack-the-hamburger-game for the past 1 hr!!!

my report requires me to write 4k and above and i am still at word zero, i roughly gotten the content but i have no concrete idea of how and what to analyze. I hate to do sub-standard work even if i know i'll produce the essay at the end of the day (with the support from red bull/lack of sleep/grumbles and such etccc) and yea i feel very unhappy NOW!

So instead of working on my paper that requires more brain work, i have decided to read my jap because there's listening on tues as well as revision so i shall make the best of it.
oh and coupled with cold war at home + job hunting issues...i really don't feel GOOD at all! Plus a gone-grad-trip is really making me sigh-max. so what's good to look forward to? you tell me lurh.

instead of telling myself to be happy, i reckon that knowing i am stressed up is a start to cheer myself up.
darn.

2011-04-16T23:07:00.002+08:00

So april's filled with dance practices on top of my school work. Couldn't help to feel nostalgic about the ending of school term, salsa and the people in ntu. It's a funny feeling where you feel awww about parting, it's also coupled with some selfish thoughts where I can't get relaxation from dance, i can't have the peace to mug at the study benches, i can't go image-less in front of peers etc etc..

I guess it's just a moment of thoughts, feelings that something i have been doing for the past 4 years is approaching an end. Then, i will face a new phase of life, i will need to work, to think about money, to think about family(not setting up). It's just unexplainable and unpleasant because i will eventually move on, so why sigh? oh wells.

i still can't put my thoughts into proper sentences to express how i feel.
i wish someone can comprehend me without me saying much about life at this stage.

2011-04-03T00:06:00.001+08:00

#1
i'm lying on my bed, stretching my legs against the wall. Doing this reminds me of how we often do it in training. I guess i'll miss such moments,doing all the technical stuff every friday in school.

#2
ah niu is a soft toy that was given to me 3 yrs ago by pchong. Ah niu is qte dirty now but stays on my bed faithfully. I thought i should throw it into the washing machine to clean it or throw it away. But i just didn't do anything even tho i still talk to it once in a blue moon. I wonder, if i will cry if i am to deal with the other gifts that were left unattended since last yr. I didn't dare to touch them so i left them as they were but i know i'll need to tidy them up one day. I think i am fine.

#3
Mom was complaining about work. Yeah 2 person doing what should be done by 3-4 persons is crazy. That makes me feel more pressured to get a job, cos i want to break the insane cycle that they have to go thru.

#4
I want a vintage bag, a jumper, a few nice tops. I want money for these :( oh i want my long awaited brown paper book too...oh i want a camera.

#5
I need to slim down. it's really obvious tt the waist and face have got more fats. The weighing machine said so too :(

#6
I need some love.

#7
Darling frens at nus jiayou for reports n exams, those at work all the best adapting in new env, those in ntu work hard for this last sem tooooo.

#8
Somehow, i am not very happy but passable mood tho. Heh.

2011-03-27T01:51:00.002+08:00

this entry is no-happy-one.
1. I was dealing with fyp and fuk the lappy that doesn't allow me to convert due some footer issues. Fine. And what's with all the spacing that i did the whole afternoon two days ago? Why did my peers have to redo for me? Okie. I'm blessed with lovable gfs.
2. I am waking in 5 hrs to go for work. Will need to rush home to bathe and head to sch for dance rehearsal. That leaves me no time to take a fuking good look at my thesis again, which explains why i got so frsutrated for point no. 1.
Becus we gotta submit the hard copies on mondayyyy!!!!!
And i freaking think that some paragraphs are not well linked but the formatting has ruined and disrupted my thoughts. Now i dunnoe what i intended to change and have no time for anymore editings. So? 8aus? Gimme a B+, i aint asking an A.
3.i hate it when i think i can relax next week, i have to deal with a term assignment and a term paper + ppt research + danceeeeeeeee. And then getting a job is really at the back of my mind.. and i cant really concentrate dealing it becuse i still have the sch deadlines coming one by one...
4. I need more headbands to suit my outfits.(this is a very random point but ya)
5. I need to get over things faster than usual. I fuking still have this hung over for someth that prolly ended mths ago. Fuk my sentimental sides, srsly.
6. Okays. Done with ranting. Sometimes f is the sound for those :( things.

I'll cheer up myself.

2011-03-15T11:56:00.004+08:00

many prolly had seen my pic over fb.
yebble, had a haircut on 7th Mar and well it turned out shorter than what i intended but i am embracing it! It sets me thinking of how to wax my hair etc and i look forward for it to get longer so that i can do the styles like the ones seen on below pweetures! :D

so so so.
had a wonderful supper with kss girlies. NICE!
still doing fyp and dancing hard: doing 2 items for this year's concert!
concert on 9th Apr Sat 7-10pm
venue: NTU
tix: $12
wanna commmeee? sms me yo! :)

2011-02-26T13:10:00.003+08:00

There's no one formula in life path but somehow entering the workforce is a stage that we can't avoid after graduating, especially in sg.

Since last semester, my vision for this final year was: do my best in acad/dance and keep fit. job hunt? later lahhh. simply = just enjoy final year. However, reality hit my face with career office sending emails on recruitment talks, interview workshop etc etc...and so no matter how reluctant or ignorant i can get, i need to face it.

Visiting career fairs this week got me exposed to opportunities that i never thought of. The word "Opportunities" is used because there'r really jobs catered to all disciplines and i have gotten a few copies of brochures on various management trainee programmes. The word is chosen because i see them as paths for me to gain wisdom, resilience and personal growth in the next few years, at least. This also means that i am only aiming at such program and not really wanting to enter education nor journalism sector that are stereotypically seen as the prospects of a Chinese major.

Understanding what companies are looking for help to narrow down the target positions but in general, i feel scared & a sudden feel of identity crisis. There're two layers to this feeling:
1) Do i have what it takes to get a position in the places i wanna go?
2) Are the positions that i am looking at suitable for me?

It makes me reflect on the things that i have been doing and the belief behind the objectives in doing planning/organizing/executing events or activities. Whenever my parents nag about me spending time on cca, though upset but i always encourage myself that whatever i do is gonna prepare me for future challenges and every process is a learning journey to toughen me.Although having adequate experiences in leadership and organization skills (in union camp/salsa club), i just thought that there'r plenty out there who had done similar or even better events/internship than me. Sucha pressure might be a self-induced thing but it's really about where you stand and if you're outstanding among the fresh graduates who are also aiming at management trainee positions.

And i reckon all these as normal feelings as a grad-to-be. The chapter next in this 2011 seems (insert adjective) and yea i am still figuring my way amidst fyp and dance. I will want and make things happen for myself in the upcoming unknown territories.

2011-02-24T00:27:00.007+08:00

有时感情泛滥时，会一发不可收拾。
有时心灵空虚时，又偏偏去回忆一些已消逝的东西，以为能滋润自己，往往却自讨没趣。
记忆中的都是片刻的／零碎的／选择性的。常常的，我们在追朔某一件事时，都为故事增添了一些以为是当时的感觉，或是对一些模糊的过去，赋予一些未曾发生的情节。我们不会擦觉到那些可能是我们在事后的体会或是希望得到的感觉，因为某部分的自己是希望现实如想象般，而忘了人是善忘的。
对于曾牢牢＇记住＇的，我们都不嫌烦的一再而再的叙述，为了那么丁点的回味。直到得放下，就不是滋味，叹惜美好的不能有所继续。我们又忘了人是善忘的。当时间冲淡时间，消逝的不再重要，因为唯有放下，才能再度握紧今天的记忆。

***
对于你:我知道不能再握紧什么，你／我们的回忆也逐渐褪色。只是也很清楚，在某个角落还是有你的位置，但不属于现在这个变了的你。
对于另一个你:60天，不长也不短。说真的，是被disenchanted,very.
对于这样的一个你:或许一周内认识的我，并不如你想像中的完美。
对于地球另一端的你:非常庆幸，友谊会使我们走得更远。

2011-02-19T15:38:00.002+08:00

i think i need to talk.
but there isn't a great time, energy and avenue for me to say.
*

on a lighter note, i really enjoyed dance practice yesterday. It's really a good distress place because i think about nothing else but my footwork, my frame and posture.

2011-02-11T11:38:00.001+08:00

i realised certain things abt myself
-i like to ask qn on personal development.
-i like to ask how people view their own actions and listen to those processes that they went through
-i like to talk to people who are into field of humanities

questions in my mind
-where do i see myself in the near future? Does whatever i said still stand and is something that i really can pursue?
- life as a special ticket to live, to try different things, to experiences all sorts of ups & downs. So, how am i gonna value and make this ticket a worthwhile one?
-do i have what it takes to want to chase/have the qualities to succeed in life?
-what furniture do i want in my future house?

Umm....

2011-02-07T23:38:00.005+08:00

HAPPY BUNNY YEAR TO ALL!

had some fun during this cny aka watching BURLESQUE (christina aguilera and CAM GIGANDET are frigging hot!) with lea

and having a fun monopoly deal + bun luck session at laylay's place. Had some good food during the break as well as catching up with my elder cousin. We talked about marriage and yeah well the topic never ends eh? He was puzzled that i wanna get married by 26 but i told him as i age, i know this thing is just an ideal thingy and unrealistic because i am still single. oh wells. no hurries yea.

so simple resolutions i figured:

do something nice for vday
meet ntu-ers while i haven't graduate
get fitter with more work outs and better diet!
fyp + do my best for my mods
dance my very best for dance concert this year

nothing beats simple things like gaining knowledge and fitness for yourself. And like what lea said, we don't have to be happy everyday because we gain wisdom through sadness and learn to appreciate happiness from it too. True ya, tho the process might be lonely but the path to better myself is a good preparation to meeting new challenges and new people.

dear friends, jiayou for your doings too! :D

du wo

2011-01-31T13:43:00.001+08:00

如果我迷失于自己的文字，
请你把我读出来。
小心别读漏了什么，
我只是在字行的某个角落徘徊。

2011-01-28T13:37:00.003+08:00

I am seated in school again.
Funny how i don't feel like it's new semester partly because i started coming back school for fyp since early the month. So the funny feeling now is : THERE'RE TUTORIALS TO DEAL WITH.

Anyway, anyhow...i went out on a spontaneous shopping session with my coursemates yesterday. It was quite funny how i just mentioned about going to town myself because the 3 of them had their own lunch buddies at an hour interval one after another. That leaves me lunching alone tho we attended lecture together! The trip turned out fun because each of us gotten something and we'd a nice munching session at the roadside,pretending that FYP's over and that we were at some street in Thailand. We are great at deceiving ourselves! okie, more of myself doing that because i am the only one who hasn't submitted anything to my prof. Nonetheless i enjoyed myself with the great company as well as the $25 that i spent on a top + long pants. yummy!

So I had a deal with myself which is to deal with my fyp today, but i had been sneezing a lot and feeling lethargic. The rain keeps pouring makes me even zzz, feel like curling up on my bed but i know i cannot SINCE I AM IN SCHOOL. So the mind has to be stronger than the weak body which has to deal with sneezy+sleepy monsters. I'll do my stuff right after this post and head for dance. Gonna miss the kss outing tonight but sigh, i have my curfew to meet, especially during this fyp period.

anyway, random: i hope i can come up with a meaningful and inspirational post soon. food for the soul is important yo.

2011-01-26T12:05:00.002+08:00

hi fyp,

i am frustrated and stressed up. would you just let me off?

me

2011-01-22T00:53:00.002+08:00

went to school on friday morning for fyp but my cramps made me feel so distracted,anway i wrote approx 3.2k of words on those 稿纸,so i think it's a good accomplishment.

Then went for dance, my first ever training since exams, or rather a training when i finally did partner work since i last performed in last apr. Sadly, i'm bad at following sometimes,can't deny that my fundamentals are still unsteady sometimes. I will work hard and wanna do jdc for this final year as well!

School's reopening soon but luckily i didn't treat this hols very much like hols so i don't feel any w/d emotions. Final semester shall be a good one. Hopefully i'll get to add the electives i want so that i can spend more time on fyp and salsa.

****
I don't think of u as often anymore.yet i still feel that bit sad if i see/hear news of u. how to deal with sucha situation leh? 最近的你，可好吗？

2011-01-19T17:47:00.008+08:00

Hello all!!!

So this month is almost coming to an end. Felt good to have met up with my lovely kss peeps, coursemates and the occassion salsa event/help out. Been to a few new places this mth namely the railway station, the paddles club/riders cafe area (at fairway drive) and visiting of the philatic museum & peranakan museum. Other than doing fyp, i work during weekends and had about 3 days of relaxation with the following people:

photoshoot + kbox with ys,wp and wl [10 jan]
stayover at tanbing's [11 jan]
museums visiting and stayover with coursemates [17 jan]

and to friends whom i didn't initiate any meet up, sorwie am really feeling stressed up by my FYP and the above mentioned dates were planned way before exams. So what have i done for FYP? seriously, i feel SCARED. I think there's no one sentence to describe how it feels, so i think phrases might help:
-being com-less since exams
-absentminded
-blank mind while trying to type
-not even a single chapter is done
-time pressing cos the deadline's next monday?
-not totally panicking, oh prolly passed that stage..
-ulitmate word= cui.
aye, can't whine enough about this whole fyp. i don't detest it, in fact i quite like the topic i chose and it's related to films so that should make my reading materials interesting. BUT I SUCK AT UNDERSTANDING THE MAIN BASIS FOR MY THESIS : homi bhabha's theory, that makes me handicapped on analysing the films based on that! Hence, so far, i only analyse by my own understanding and er...ya kinda worrying...

and so why am i still blabbering here when i cld have the same amount of time to type my thesis? I FREAKING SEATED IN NTU SOUTH SPINE BENCH FOR THE PAST 3 HOURS AND ALL I TYPED WAS JUST 1/3 OF THE PAGE and I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PHRASE MY SENTENCES DESPITE KNOWING THAT THERE'R BITS AND PIECES OF INFORMATION THAT I WANNA TYPE FROM THE VARIOUS READINGS THAT I DID SINCE SEPTEMBER '10.

okie. shall stop creating online junk. now i am all alone here with my materials spread out on the table but not gonna do anymore because i am leaving this place for good. my brain's kinda saturated (for nth cos i didn't think i do alot) so yebble.

colorful pics for youuuuu to seeee. credits to weipei and serene.

2011-01-06T22:42:00.004+08:00

so it's now 2011!
hmmm did a reflection on the 31st and had a fabulous time with my kss peeps. A goodie way to end the year and set the mood right for a new year. Then again, what's a new year? It's just a change of calendar, we still sleep and wake and breathe.
And this coming 23rd year of my life shall be a fruitful one. Apart from the usual things like getting good grades and getting a job, i wish to...

visit 23 places (local/abroad)
23 outfits (be it new clothes/mix and match the old ones)
have a 23rd birthday bash on the 23rd!!!
write 23 love letters (to you you you & you)

hmmm so i am now at 1/23 of the places that i visited. Went to Tanjong Pagar railway station on the 5th and took some pictures. The followings are those that i didnt upload. lol.
Quite a nice time exploring the place on my own, staying or leaving is up to me.
And yes, i self took those pictures. Reason why i dared to was because i always believe that the public won't remember my face anyways so why not just do something spontaneous? lol

in backward order:

picture taken at Tom and Toms cafe opposite Amara hotel

when self time fails

the ling ling long long that i brought

and oh, i like this metal gate and the feeling of being distant from the railway track

***

the journey to discover the beauty of self, stay with me, will you?

2010-12-29T15:35:00.002+08:00

exams ended on the 21st but it doesn't feel like the stress is over when there isn't a lot of stress in the first place. But having FYP at the back of my mind does make this momentum of reading goes on yet dreadful like preparing for major exam. Anyway, it's just something every undergrad'll get, not a big deal but i don't like dealing.

So xmas was spent at stall. I always had to convince myself that it's just another normal day.
Or that i spent with my parents+brother so in a way, i did spend with my loved ones. Okie it doesnt sound convincing.Then the first relaxation finally came on this monday when i hit the beach with some of my salsa people. And yesterday i met up with my exchange people and sec sch cca girls. There is supposed to be a clubbing night tonight and stay over at sab's place but they are sick. Plus mom called to ask me not to play till too late cos i needa work tml morning.

I tell u, i just get so helpless and filled with agony when i receive that call. So i am not going anywhere tonight. I don't wanna club 1/2 heartedly and besides i'v no place to bunk over since my parents aint supposed to know tt i go clubbing.Major reason for not gg = my salsa gfs all not gg,den why shud i go?

And then i realised it's new year this saturday. Xiaoyi's flying away and aint sure when will he be back. I feel sad tt my com's down and i can't do a farewell gift for him cos the materials are in soft copies! I cant even send him off cos i needa work. Dammmmnnn it.

I am sucha whiny girl.
I was motivated to read my fyp notes,cook and go club. Now = grumpy me on bed typing this on mobile cos my fuking com's down.

see u people next year.

2010-12-16T20:50:00.001+08:00

now seated at starbucks at great world city feels so good.
With a sofa that gives so much cushion and a lovely white chocolate mocha frappaccino is oh-so-pleasant.
It feels like i am a stranger on a foreign land, watching people walking pass and being so carefree that i've a comfy space at a lil corner by myself.
It has never been so relax since school started.
But reality check: i am here for a purpose and that is to deliver a parcel to my aunt's friend. So i gotta go in a while. What a short escape in btw studies and exams. I wish everyday's like this.

2010-12-09T15:04:00.003+08:00

read laoda's review of our drama.
this was the last sentence: ·看戲時偶爾想要偷看某一個演員身上的刺青。
so i went to read my very last composition of last semester's creative writing module.

http://ecriture312.blogspot.com/2010/05/blog-post_6462.html
if anyone really understand the feeling behind the whole story as well as the role play that i inserted, then he/she would be someone who clearly knows how i felt.
but i guess that anyone-could-just-be-myself only.

back to report typing.

2010-12-07T21:48:00.005+08:00

say you understand me
say you understand how i grew up
say you understand that i uphold my principles on whatever i do
say you understand my frustrations
say you understand my joy in performing arts
say you understand my understandings
say you understand that sometimes i just need some pampering
say you understand why i wanna break away from those strings attached
say you understand that i try to fulfill my roles in life
say you understand how i yearn for inspirations to keep things going
say you understand why i feel clueless when i am alone
say you understand why my thoughts ever flowing
say you understand why i wrote all these

say you heart me.

2010-12-03T23:06:00.002+08:00

actually i don't have a choice whether to go work or not.
BECAUSE:
if i don't go, i'll feel GUILTY.
if i go, i'll feel SHITTY.

i need to go although i don't wanna go.
i need time for studies and myself but i don't wanna be at home knowing they will be ants on wok.
i need a breather, some pampering, some independence juice i supposed.

i am at 1k/8k essay and i have to work tml morning till later afternoon and a stand chart marathon to go on sunday morning. i am not totally freaking out but i do feel a lil tensed.

yebble, one thing at a time and that's WORK TML AND RUN ON SUNDAY.
if only i can just do drama everyday and not worry about munnies and family.

2010-12-01T01:09:00.003+08:00

i am doing jap past year paper now. chionging it so that my sensei will have the time to print and mark for me.

saw this from a tumblr:
'OWL love you forever'

i say...
'owl love you forever,
in this game for two'
hello future hubby, when are u meeting me?

2010-11-30T12:14:00.002+08:00

i want to see snow.
i want to do skydiving.
i want to go bag packing.

i want to travel to live.

i can't. because jap listening and oral tests' gonna happen in 3 hrs' time.

2010-11-27T01:45:00.002+08:00

I TELL U. IT'S NORMAL TO HAVE MIXED FEELINGS IN UR HEART.
BECAUSE RIGHT AFTER I TYPED A HAPPY ENTRY BELOW, I FELT SIAN ABOUT LIFE LATER(NOW!!!).
BECAUSE I FREAKING NEEDA GO HELP OUT AT STALL EVEN WHEN MY BROTHER'S FINALLY GOING ON SATURDAYS COS HE FINISHED HIS O'S.

SERIOUSLY WHY DO WE HAVE TO WORK FOR THE MONEY YET WE CAN'T HAVE THE LUXURY TO ENJOY AND CHILL. I WANNA EARN BIG BUCKS AFTER I GRADUATE.
AND WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE ONE DEALING THE BILLS, RUNNING ERRANDS JUST BECAUSE I AM THE ELDEST?

SERIOUSLY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S RELAXATION.

2010-11-27T01:12:00.007+08:00

23rd was my 22nd bday.
thankew 180+ FB frens for the fb msgs.
3 peeps who pm-ed me.
the many smses.
the pleasant surprise on the day by alibaba and celeste as well as dinner with kss peeps and uni clique. thanks for making me loved on that magical day.

It's a day to give thanks knowing people who still bother to make effort for my birthday.
Also thanks for handwritten cards by sc girls,the calender from aw bao and tan bing, mickey hand softie from Gary, bag and fan from uni clique and i-supposed-there's-a-gift still in transaction from uk to sg, thanks robbie! :)

a roller coaster 22nd year of my life.
what's installed for my 23rd year? i hope to have a party on the 23rd nov 2011 to celebrate my 23rd. any sponsors? hehe.

LAIYAN LIKES THIS ENTRY.

2010-11-17T21:04:00.003+08:00

ytd's first show was nice. i felt so loved by the supporters.
i am also touched by how the audience responded to the show, i am proud of what we did.
i was so excited till i only sleep at 1am tho i was tired. hee.

just now my dad was asking what's the show about. while i explained srsly, wanting to let them know what i am doing, he kinda never really listen attentively. am abit affected, it's actually better if he didnt ask at all. oh wells. i guess they always think i play in school. lol.

anw. thanks to the handwritten hands, flowers and salsa pp who gave me a golden horse trophy. lol.
muacks

2010-11-13T22:38:00.002+08:00

i was just thinking abt this sometime ago.
if i am left with a few mths to live, will i still be upset about things that i shan't be bothered?
ans: NO! i will wanna do things i wanna do, say things i wanna say and be happy for the rest of my life.
so next qn: Do i know how long will i live?
ans: NO!
so next qn: SO WHAT MAKES U THINK U HAVE THE TIME TO FEEL UNHAPPY?

2010-11-09T22:42:00.002+08:00

why am i ridiculously affected by your act again???!
why am i ridiculously thinking about ridiculous things that i shan't be bothered??!
why am i ridiculously being ridiculously upset??!

go away! kthxbye.

2010-11-08T00:42:00.001+08:00

http://lovingyour-romance.tumblr.com/post/1452356703/when-you-truly-love-someone-their-mistakes-never

"When you truly love someone, their mistakes never changes your feelings. Mainly because it’s the mind that gets angry, but the heart still loves them."

how true. darn it.

2010-11-05T22:23:00.002+08:00

i often woke in the middle of the night say 3-4am these days. Ain't sure who what where when but it kinda irritates me because i end up feeling i didn't sleep enough. BAHS!

and today! i woke and was so darn scared of my FYP! cos i realised the first draft's due in jan but i have yet to write a single word!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!
i don't know how the hell am i gonna churn out 20k of words in what 2 mths???

and before i could tidy my feelings, i rushed for work at stall.
ummm... i guess i really need to chiong next week.

so far, drama makes me sane.
AND I AM SO HAPPY THAT I HAVE 27 SUPPORTERS FOR THE SHOW!!! u guys make my life better :)

2010-11-04T16:45:00.001+08:00

so did u enter by accident but staying for a purpose?

***
It's two weeks to our showwwww.
Everyone jiayou for sch okayysss :)

2010-10-31T22:36:00.002+08:00

my hectic week has just been done with drama that ended at 630pm today.
Felt ups and downs the whole week due to my research paper as well as a weary body but i am up again to fight on this coming week. It's gonna be nov in 2 hrs' time and i shall embrace this nov for it's my birthday month! *lol*

actually i won't look fwd to bdae or that there isnt much to look forward other than the drama that i have been doing. It's gonna be shown in 2 weeks' time and i really enjoyed every session doing things that i'd never done before. Also, the things i do in the show kept pushing me for break through in terms of voice projection and flexibility in body movements. It's been fruitful, just that sometimes a weary mind can't think properly. aha.

I hope my friends out there are doing good in this final year and brave through all the shit that may come along the way. I hope i can catch up with you guys after my show or after exams alright?

Sometimes people ask where do i have the energy to do fyp+drama+dance+work.
i have no idea, perhaps that's how i have grown up? while i think it isn't of any big deal, i do sometimes tell myself that "hey you've been good" or at least i wish to think i am so.

random thing i realized today: There was this scene that i was required to hug my fellow actress. It was a funny feeling because it's been so long since i ever really hug someone so closely and i think i do love hugs. lol.

have a nice week ahead! keep going my dears.

2010-10-28T00:05:00.002+08:00

什么是不懂得想?
什么是“每次”？

不懂得想就是你每天晚回，不知道你是学生还是在干什么。
不懂得想就是你每次不吃早餐。
不懂得想就是你这样的生活究竟要到几时？

那我跟你说：
我不需要你为我所做的事感到骄傲，我不需要你等我回家，我不需要你问我论文怎样，排练怎样，我不需要你帮我准备食物，我不需要你陪我熬夜，我不需要你骂我不懂得想！
我需要的是你真切的去找个帮手，舒缓工作，我需要的是你不要常常大动肝火，我需要的是你相信我所做的都有我的理由和原则。

说真的，我真的不需要你的问候。因为我知道你和你都很忙，都工作得很累。
说真的，我真的不敢在你们面前软弱，因为那只会“证明”你说的是对的。
说真的，我真的不会跟你说我的任何跌伤割伤的疼痛，因为只会变成是我“clumsy”的例子。
说真的，我这半年来的一切都要装的很好，装得我已不在乎，装得我已经痊愈了。
或者，你们都不知道我真的很心疼。

说真的，我不需要你的关心。

2010-10-27T00:47:00.002+08:00

for a moment, i realize i really have little time for/with myself.
weeks zoomed and i guess the only times i spent with myself were my self study and running moments.
actually why should i be surprised?
hasn't this been happening since secondary school?

***
it doesn't take much to treat me right, no?

2010-10-22T22:08:00.002+08:00

I FEEL VERY PEK CEK!
MY 443 SUMMARY KANA REJECTED.
I KANA SLEEPY MONSIE ATTACK TODAY AND IT'S SO NOT PRODUCTIVE.
MY BROTHER NEEDS MY HELP FOR HIS O's.
I WILL BE STAYING IN SCHOOL TILL 10PM EVERYDAY NEXT WEEK + SUNDAY!I COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS IS FUNNY BECUS I LOVE THE DRAMA THAT I AM DOING.
I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN I FEEL LIKE BEING PAMPERED BUT HAVE TO TELL MYSELF TO BE MS INDEPENDENT. ROARS.

2010-10-22T00:40:00.000+08:00

just because you left first,
doesn't mean i can't leave too.

***
will there be another happiness for me to look fwd to?

2010-10-20T00:31:00.002+08:00

我可真的用心呢。
~~20102010~~

2010-10-18T00:08:00.003+08:00

someone asked how's my schedule.
i told him/her to stay with me for a week.
i prep him/her on my doings:

3 modules. with one pressing research paper worth 8k of words and freaking 4AUS.
drama x mon-wed 7-10pm
dance x fri 530-10pm
work x sat-sun 0830-1430
running x once a week
fyp x watching films + readings

he/she looked at me and said :"keep going"
i nodded and said:"i know you won't wanna stay with me."

if we are still tgt, will my life be any better?

2010-10-08T12:36:00.002+08:00

i feel distracted.
I feel grumpy.
I feel like i need to talk to someone.
I feel like i need to survive on my own.
I feel tired.
I feel i have been working on my fyp.
I feel like i have been eating canteen food for weeks.
I feel that the routine isn't interesting.
I feel that i lack sleep.
I feel that i am fortunate.
I feel that i am being ripped off.
I feel that i am understanding.
I feel that i wanna be selfish.
I feel that i am contradicting.
I feel that all these are nonsense.

2010-10-03T17:43:00.003+08:00

i just have a thing for this song somehow.
i guess i must be feeling this way when i was having the tattoo on.
but that's alright, because i love the way you lied.

**

the week had been fruitful and tiring as well.
i'll press on and rock on.
jiayous dears

2010-09-28T00:09:00.002+08:00

dear all.

a lil update on what i am doing.

fyping (gonna write a 20k thesis. topic: hongkong's national identity after 1997)
dancing as usual: trainings on fridays
participating in a play: trainings every tue-thurs 7-10pm
jobhunting!!!!!!!!!!! :)
healing my stewpid cut on my toe.
(the cut was so serious that blood soaked my whole slipper. i did something dumb by putting my whole foot into a pail of ice, thinking it will cease bleeding. BUT HELL no! Called friends for help and so managed to get a towel to press on my toe and waited for hanz and my bro to get plaster for me. i sat there for 15-20mins? cried cos i felt so innocent especially when i called weekian for help, i sobbed more. lol. but i am fine now. ahaha!)

life's so so.
noth big noth small. but i do smile at things that give me joy like meeting friends and dancing. Had a special guest from korea last week with us. He's really the PRO!!!!!!!!!! Was honored to dance with him at gary's party too.hee.

so so so.
actually nothing much to say.
a quote to share: all things/happenings are meaningless until we add a value to them.

you peeps are nobody until we treasure and that's what we call friends.
take care people! :)

2010-09-18T22:06:00.002+08:00

actually i really don't like it when my weekends are gone.
i have to work in the morning till late afternoon and then cook in the evening.
then i'll have no energy to really study cos usually i'll chill by using the net. >.<

and then? THERE GOES MY WEEKENDS! WTF!

i am really sometimes being irritated by this fact that i can't really do much about it other than managing my time better. yup, i still go to school, meet people and dance. technically, to make more time for myself is to cut down the meeting with people/dance/go home earlier. but nah, i am gonna do what i want to, at my own cost. sigh.

sometimes i wish my parents can get trust worthy stall assistants so that me and brother can just concentrate on our studies and social life. It's a lil irritating that our social life/relaxation is taken away but you have no choice to not contribute to the family because they only have you.
seriously, $$ is annoying because the whole family actually have to WORK FOR IT, at the expense of our rest and etc so what's the point of earning? Then again, my parents ain't educated so it's a wiser choice to stay at what we can do now and earn amap.

I wanna go grad trip as well as to pay my friend back for my tw trip but i don't even have the time to go source for part time job. sucks.

2010-09-15T15:30:00.004+08:00

i went to my dance instructor's studio last last sat 4th sept for his studio opening party. A grad snr went, along with his fiancee. We were still congratulating of their wedding plan and admired the ring on the lady's hand.

Horror came just last saturday that this snr met passed away in a car accident. It's really stunning esp i just met him a week ago. So i attended his wake just monday, it was weird how salsaeros(including snrs fr prev batches) met after so long, at sucha occassion.

While some of us moan over broken relationships, i can't imagine how tough is it gonna be for the finacee. She appeared fine and no sign of crying. I guess it's either she had cried tons the previous night, or that she hasn't let out yet. . Sigh and i hope the family will stay strong to get thru the emotional moments.

say what u wanna say, share what u feel for anyone before it's too late.

random but i was just thinking , i'll write a note and ask pp to place beside me in the coffin. And that note will be :'smile, becos i love u'. Becos i believe for whatever reason a peron is to come to see me, He/she must have love(d) me in one way or another....

2010-09-07T23:31:00.002+08:00

school had started and i'm taking 3 mods this sem + fyp.
Haven't got into the mugging mode becos of cca week and i def worry for our salsa team. nevermind, lai'll save the world!
As for fyp, i kinda dread about it becos we need to submit first draft in jan. Look, freaking 20k of words?! cools. lai'll save the world!
What else installed for me then? Checking out and attending career fairs i guess. great! lai will save the world!

***

pls never take it for granted to say "time heals"..because time is something that traps you somehow..you so wanna surpass it but it says slowly..and when u wanna grad hold and make it stop for you, it just slips away.

i have no idea why but lately some emo tots just hit me somehow. Not superb upset but i guess i am pretty uptight with r/n now. The heart doesn't know what or how to trust. The heart knows that it has to let go of things but refuse to cast certain things completely away. Sadly,the latter seems to be the best way to clear the soul?

Surprisingly, some peeps only knew about my broke up recently.Ttime flies, it's been half a year already. Did brief sharing about it as well as my tattoo, my secret escape and things i did just to make myself better. The heart does beats stronger now but i know something's still amiss. Grr, i hate it when YOU freaking hold so much space in there, darn it.

if there's an expiry to love, shall we love till it dies?

2010-09-02T06:04:00.001+08:00

i hate to wake up suddenly like now, feeling the same thing i had mths ago.
Why does it have to be programmed to think abt u again? didnt i have 4 sucky mths already?

and i still get affected when i see familiar dates or stuff. I needa convince myself things won't repeat for good and that every experience with u ought to be shifted to the back of everyth.

Not forgetting becus it's worth of my 28mths of heart.

2010-08-27T11:49:00.009+08:00

I know YOG has just ended ytd but i wannna blog abt this because i told yingsiew that i will show her pictures of the passing of YOG flame. ahaha.

see the kids along the street?

YOG helpers passing the *wacking sticks*

when one torchbearer passed on to another

i think the guys in gray must be feeling *so-near-yet-so-far* with the FLAME!!!!

Another relay. I heard that each of them only ran about 100m! lol

It looked like she's walking but i guess she was just about to start running. ahaha!
Every time i watched the beginning of a race/competition, i feel anxious for them. Every time i see images of the athletes winning for glory and their eyes sparkled when they sang their national anthem, i feel AWWWWWWWw and proud for them. Chase your dreams people!

**
I've been working since like 2 weeks ago at parents' stall.
Often get tired after work and had to cook and try to meet people after cooking dinner. Am glad that i managed to see some of youuu dearies!

And so ytd was a mini stay over at ys's place. It started with watching Horror Films which turned out to be so predictable and hence we laughed overrr the film somehow. Then was some htht that ended up with some "FAT-jokes"(wp, u know it best) and then was singing songs with youtube on hp. All's well and we dozed off around 6am. LOL.
I know i was tired but sessions like this made the heart feel warm no matter what. Thanks girls!

**
and despite the confusions, thanks for being understanding

2010-08-18T01:26:00.002+08:00

i drove past the same route you always rode me home.
It just dawned on me that i will not be your pillion anymore, it just make me feel awful to be figuring out the road direction on my own. I had tears welled up but i didn't let them fall.

i want to be able to look at you and be glad that awesome moments happened. i want to be able to look at you and be glad that perhaps the best stuff had happened and hence time stopped for what's called us. I want to be able to look at you and be glad that you loved.

some people are better kept in memories than in reality, why do you have to be one of them?

2010-08-11T14:12:00.004+08:00

woots! probably the most colorful entry of the year!
We the KSS peeps went out on the 9th August to Botanic Garden for picnic dinner!
We had two cars that day and drivers were baoxin and bingqin. :P

Nice chill out after work and i definitely miss hanging out with them! Some of them are schooling again, jiayou okies! :)
Come to think of it, we're all gonna step into the society in a year or two, how time flies when we first knew each other when we were 13.

alright, shall let the pictures do the talking:

i have rich friends. :P

pretty, isn't it?

so we were the "non-living" after being "killed" in the polar bear game. with that, we had the "made in singapore" tattoo and biscuits to nom nom nom :P

and i just realized there's a picture of the 6 of us, after SO long! i can't remember when was the last time we took.

**

coming up before school starts on the 30th, i shall:
-pack my room
-revise jap/french
-research for FYP
-catch up with my lovely

2010-08-02T02:32:00.005+08:00

wow! it's been a mth since i updated!
life's been eventful for the past month, especially the final two weeks where we had excursions to 3 gorges dam, cursing on the great Yangtze river as well as the 5 days in Shanghai. It was great meeting international students and i was glad we got closer as days went by.

Was pretty upset when it had to end so i had a love/hate relationship with my exchange. But it's the people who made it nice and memorable who knows, our lives might cross again.

As soon as i touched down, the 2nd sms was :" tml night 8pm city hall for meeting u can make it??" and that started my few days of final prep for our first every inter-tertiary salsa competition.

Looking it as an event officer, i would say it was good from tech run all the way till the end of program. My contestants were good too. Not forgetting the emcee, videographer and photographer..oh and the front office blazer guy at zouk was darn nice too. *handsome too* :P

Thanks to Gary our instructor who initiated the event and made it a milestone for us. Special thanks to my committee members who had worked hard for the past 2 months for this event. I thought we were steady and good to sort out the lil last min hiccups.

As for the results, my juniors made it to the champs for amateur category while our hot stuff page and shaf got in 2nd runner up for open category. But we all know that we don't need titles nor trophies to know how good they were. I am more concerned if they enjoyed their show as well as the journey training with each other. cheers to my peeps.

and to myself: glad that i managed to run the show and cleared the emails and planning during exchange period.

thanks to christine, wang, sab who helped me during the actual event as well.
and so, it's time to pack my exchange stuff (cos i anyhow place them) and get ready for fyp research. ;)

2010-07-02T22:24:00.002+08:00

it's been long since i blogged!
hello. greetings from wuhan.

i thought we would be staying in their hostel, gg to their old classrooms etc.BUT, i think, for our welfare etc, the school had us staying in a hotel that is just right outside the school.

so far,i am okie with the food/locals/temperature (tho MUCH HOTTER)/accomodation. Lessons started and we have nice and enthu wuhan students who helped us to feedback abt the dry-ness of the lessons and made improvement to it. cools.

so far, still hanging out with our ntu pp. not tat we don't mix around, but somehow the angmohs don't seem welcoming :x well, but we did made friends with a few of them, superfically. :(

lalala.
tml's excursion to their famous historic buidling etc, hopefully it's good. got lesson from morn till late afternoon on sunday because our tcher has something on next monday. but that'll mean monday's a FREE day. see how, mabby go kbox. alritey.

food here is cheap, i will try to eat more, to gain back my weight.

oh! i ran in the campus today!!! cools. and someone offered me a bottle of mineral water after the run. LOL.

2010-06-18T00:11:00.002+08:00

it's 3 days to my departure.
And I haven print my ticket, settle my accommodation in shanghai, plans for hk trip.
;(
And I have peers that I can't or might nt be able to meet before I fly off.
Feeling unease abt stall and salsa event too.
It seems that there cld be more to what i could do but I can't help it be half-heartedly.

It's still feelings I can't fight, maybe beyond feelings. It,'s just simply the presence of something I can't define.

2010-06-16T00:51:00.002+08:00

坚强的女人格外亮丽。
我行的。

接下来的旅程，是给我继续锐变的机会，我会从新/心出发的。

希望在这一周内，能够给予自己一个释怀的开始。
多谢支持。

2010-06-09T23:01:00.002+08:00

so i went away half-secretly last week 02-07/jun.
bag packed. without parents' consent.
pleasant trip with much sight seeings and tried different food. Other than that, i had some good laugh and cheap thrills over tw guys and a korean bunk mate. yeah cheap thrills.

i realised:
-i can be oh so happy for the whole day because of the korean guy's lil friendly note.
-i can be emo shit if the ambiance was right.
-i have yet to ~~get over you~~.
-i am a good liar, sorry dad mom and brother. i lied that i went for a camp.

and so i am back and now some unhappiness happening at home.
i wish for a longer break, i don't want same issues or same feelings that occured in sec 3. why does 2010 seem so unfriendly? i feel tired to deal with things when i am already bothered with heart affairs. why is 2010 so disgusting?

and where art thou when i fking need you?

2010-05-26T23:44:00.004+08:00

watched this show today.
it's quite a nice one, only if reality can be like movie and i'll be a happier girl.

quote from one of the female lead Iris (by Kate Winslet), it's so true to what i am experiencing.

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual......All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms. "

*sorry, i know it's long

and it's from the same movie, that i know i need to leave for a while for a peace of mind, or whatever that people leave for.

2010-05-19T00:09:00.003+08:00

just when i thought i won't cry again.
i let my tears flow down once more, at this moment.
and seriously, i hate curling up ON MY OWN.

i hope i can shut my heart for good.

2010-05-17T01:05:00.002+08:00

it's often the hardest at the end of the day.
how to get rid of a oh-so-bittersweet past is really something that i know my heart doesn't seem to be able to do so. Putting aside some physical stuff's been a chore already, what more about the heart.

how things were continuous tense being punctuated by a past tense is something that i can barely deal with. how about an eraser for my mind and soul? anyone got lobang?

2010-05-10T00:38:00.005+08:00

wee.
i cooked on sunday nite. not because it's mama day.
it's been quite sometime since i cooked, partly cos i didn't have the mood to.
yeah. just some pics to brighten this bloggie.

3 dishes + 1 soup
steamed fish, broccoli, soya sauce chicken and chicken soup :)
yea, my standard didn't drop!

and i went running these two days, clocked 8km in total!
somehow it's the only activity that i can do to keep me sane as well as to pace myself.
and the theory applies to what i have to deal in life too.

upcoming: meeting people
other matters: fyp research, settle my exchange stuff, salsa event
not VERY busy but yup, trying to keep my mood good too!

thanks people who are ard me, am grateful for the encouragements.
tho sometimes, i do feel low again, but yea..i will get better, i need to.

2010-05-07T18:46:00.002+08:00

dear laiyan,

it rained two months exactly, entirely, exhaustively.
i feel sorry for you too my dear.
i know the fault doesn't lie on you.
you know that you don't deserve all these so why cry again?
i know you wish to get better too.
aww,
because it just aches yea?
because you miss him yea?
because you just don't feel happy in anything else yea？
sorry that i lack the courage for you too.

<3,
laiyan

2010-05-06T01:11:00.003+08:00

看了我自己对友人的话，我再次感受到，我至少爱过:

"if i had minded so much, i wouldnt have hung on so long
hanging on so long doesnt meant 我被扭曲还是故意改变自己
我这两年多并没有改变自己，在接受他的时候，也是在学习新的看法，新的自由，新的动力
爱他不是因为我忍受，而是我就是喜欢他那样的一个他
孩子气的，帅气的，有耐心的，开明的，邋遢的，温柔的
这些都是我自己喜欢，不是被逼还是什么的
到头来，分手后的我，却要因此而改变
因为如果没有摆脱之前的我，我想我很难迎接下一个人"

墙角有裂缝，
我感觉陌生的你在另一头，
所以我时不时凑近，
沿着缝隙说：
我爱你

2010-05-03T12:24:00.002+08:00

接下的的路，难免还会跌跌撞撞。
我得坚持一点，疼自己一点。
今天，还是很伤。
为什么我的华丽冒险，没有你陪。
;(

**

很巧的，老大在这一天上载了我的最后一份作品。
好像是在暗示着什么吗？
http://ecriture312.blogspot.com/2010/05/blog-post_6462.html

很奇怪，这一篇也是在他的房间里完成。
前面一首诗，现在一则两千多字的故事，我有为自己完成什么吗？

2010-05-01T22:33:00.002+08:00

我突然间，觉得你对我很残忍。
为什么我变得那么狼狈呢？
我真的不快乐。

do i love you because i need you?
no, i need you because i love you.

2010-04-29T00:59:00.002+08:00

考试有点告一段落，不是很理想，因为总是心不在焉。
很多人说：“加油！要完了！”
我并不期待考完的日子，因为我在意的是我考的过程。
why so serious?!
哈哈，当然我并不会发呆执着于课业的好坏，我只不过是在乎自己对课业的责任。

昨天，读了J写的一则文字，感动涌上心头，心也碎了一次。很感激，也叹息。
今天现在的我，一边陪着ellie san度过她温书备考，一边在为自己疗伤。
不知道为什么，我挺喜欢宿舍这种小小的空间，大概是因为我早已喜欢上P的房间。

曾几何时，我说：“baby, whenever i am busy, just lend me your shoulder yea.”
P说：“no matter you are busy or need a shoulder, i will stand by near, loves.”

对于种种的曾几何时，我想了很多。
我正在策划一场大逃亡，有谁要跟来？

2010-04-27T21:57:00.003+08:00

what can you do if you'v no grounds to express your misses?
you can keep that person in prayers, that's what i did these few days.
it just dawned on me somehow, that sucha way can channel some of the love in some way.

i came across this person who captured images of life and post it to someone to express his feelings.

"Scenes of encounters shot by the artist, sometimes accompanied with notes, served as a way for him to share moments which he could not bring to his loved one. As interplays of real and simulated sites conjure up familiar cinematic states, this project begins as his response to the speed of contemporary society; a mediation of his need for nostalgic emotional experiences."
-http://www.seed.sg/repository/tsiwtswy/

I felt touched that someone shared the same sentiment as me, just as what i am planning to do in the near future. Although reminiscing the past is a sign that i have yet to let go, but perhaps slowly, i can move on because it happened. Sometimes i still feel helpless or refuse to move on, because i still heart you many.

well, many thoughts' been through my mind to make my life better. It's hard and sometimes i am drowned in what's of us. And when all become so inadequate, i feel like having a big escape, i guess the trip in June will be the start because 你离开我，就是旅行的意义。

2010-04-25T13:48:00.001+08:00

monitor:
core report at stake. how to churn out another 5 k or words in 1 day?

mind:
core paper tml morning. i dun wanna do badly. got more to mug.
i so wanna go ellie's hall to stay over tonight but i fear i cant finish my report. sucks.

heart:
here i am, once again, lose to you.
i miss you badly.

2010-04-23T17:28:00.002+08:00

how 5 mths ago was the sweetest day on earth, today was an exam day and a drained mind.
wanna lose weight? just get a heartbreak.
i was 47kg in feb.
just then, i went to weigh myself. it said 44kg.
i didn't go on a diet. Fats slipped away, just like how my love did.

2010-04-21T23:41:00.002+08:00

this was what i drew 3 years ago when i was feeling upset during post-As period.
i imagined if i had a bf/someone who can do simple things for me to cheer me up.
and now, i have to do it by myself.
i looked forward to 20102010 cos we were tgt on 20102007.
now?

wells.
i will be okie. everything has an ending, love and heartbreaks included.

2010-04-21T08:34:00.002+08:00

矛盾

一句讲完：心没了
一句讲完：别等了
一句讲完：别傻了
一句讲完：心疼了
一句讲完：我还爱你呢

***
说实在的，我他妈的讨厌现在。囧
***
i wanna genocide myself soon. term report undone, with 8k of words bothering me.rwanda genocide, i shall conquer youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.
***
生日快乐desiree

2010-04-19T09:30:00.004+08:00

seeing your lil vid taken in Jap doing the visa commercial jump made me think of the one we did at vivo city. we agreed to go different places to take it before your exchange. how time flies, it was in Jul back then.

i am still stuck in our memories. yea, this is just part of the healing process right? but i realised it's not just about the things we had, the most difficult part to let go is simply who you are. it's the person you heart the most, it's really about the person but not whatever he did or did not. while i tried to smile for the good times, i can't help to feel the tinge of pain that etches somewhere inside. i still wake up in the middle of the night, with my heart racing because you didn't return.

一再而再的感动，自己给自己的余温。
***

time to set off for school. mug and mug.

2010-04-18T18:51:00.005+08:00

Remember when you used to hold me,
remember when you made me cry
You said you loved me, oh, you did, yes you do

I love you,say we're together baby,say we're together,oh
I need you,I need you forever baby, you and me

and i still remember how you sang the chinese version to me and how it warmed my heart back then.

2010-04-18T07:27:00.001+08:00

好不容易调整了自己的心情，没想到起来后失落还是涌上心头。
寂寞要怎样才能乖乖的呢？
我时不时还是觉得很冷。

2010-04-17T23:21:00.004+08:00

两年的意外

我们意外的相遇
意外中出现了意外
结果意外的分手

这一场无法取代的意外
让我意外的爱得一发不可收拾
心意外的沥沥滴着鲜红

小心翼翼的保存这意外
我用意外背叛自己
完成你意外的期待

***

i still give thanks to what was us.
nothing in us can be replaced.
everything has an ending, just never thought that it will end this way.

finally, i got my first flight ticket. two more to buy.
somehow, i wish to go somewhere far, where no one knows me.

2010-04-15T23:45:00.003+08:00

went to catch xiaoyi's liaozhairocks ytd. it was great! there was a live band playing through out and the actors sang live! rocks! :) Took cab home with xiaoyi and his fellow actress friend. He gave me a hug before he left, i don't know but that kinda warmed my cold heart.

today was kinda well spent. Went to ica to extend my passport's validity and then was mugging with course mates. Only got home around 10+. Gonna edit my report before i sleep.

and this was the song LIAOZHAIROCKS used for their show. Tanya's 双栖动物。
看了前面，突然觉得自己对自己好残忍。

2010-04-14T00:06:00.001+08:00

and who doesn't recover?
it's just a matter of time.
i wish i had been better.

2010-04-12T22:47:00.004+08:00

刚才为伤口涂上黄药水，爸妈看了说怎么伤得那么深啊。
我突然好想哭，心痛的不只是膝盖的伤口，还有那隐隐作痛的自己。
每次都以为自己很行，往往都后知后觉的伤心。
以为跌到没什么，后来才发现流血。以为能往前看，后来才发现自己还在原地。

今天请教老大功课，最后他对我简单的问候：“最近还好吗？自己的事？”
好像是刺中了什么，让我热泪盈眶，但是也只能忍住的说还好。
之后一拐一拐的离开他的办公室。

我好想像从前被呵护。我不想再跌跌撞撞了。

2010-04-12T00:47:00.005+08:00

Sunday nite was productive with jap revision. Hope i score for listening and oral later on.
2 more reports to do and revision shall kick in later, exams' in a week's time. i still don't feel it but i know i fear it.

thanks people for the concern for my fall. My knee still ooze stuff out from time to time but i should get better i supposed. just gotta be careful while i walk. Come to think of it, no one helped me up. It was in the rain so i got up myself to get to the nearest shelter and all i cared was the packet of food i bought.

every now and then, i still wake in horror. weak heart.
and i feel that i'm becoming more like you.
when i feel a lot, i get overwhelmed. when i feel nothing, i get overwhelmed as well.
how a person lifts u up and tears u down is sucha chore to handle.

你最近还好吗？

2010-04-10T20:25:00.002+08:00

all i could do was to rush to the nearest handicapped toilet to release a little.
then, i got hearticapped.

today, i slipped and fell in the rain. I didn't realize my knees bleed until i crossed the road. For that moment, i hope i could have fallen harder, so that i won't know what's pain anymore.

and now, one of the injury is still oozing out plasma. my poor scar-less legs.

i never thought that i need you so badly, never thought that i could have been so weak w/o you. Why sucha big test for me to handle on top of academics? i am really tired. i don't have courage to face myself. someone kill me please.

2010-04-08T19:50:00.002+08:00

things to do now/aft exams:

go running ( in fact i started on tues, ran 4km! six packs six packs six packs!)
go for theater practice (pending)
girls dates
fly alone for exchange

things that i should feel great about myself:

i loved and was loved.
i am still being loved by friends like you you you. thx
i know how to cook. aint gonna cook for another man unless he hearts me deep deep.
i know how to salsa.
i used to have big ambitions, gonna find that zest in me soon.
i am doing political science for FYP. so intellectual right?
i have a hero in me just that she's hiding one corner.
i have a diamond that is gonna shine.
i still have 4-6 more years before i dang dang dang dang with someone.
i think i am oh so adorable to type these out.

-----------------
bring me away and hug me tight.
i need some inspirations not just some negotiations.

2010-04-07T23:01:00.002+08:00

S: welcome to post break up service! How can i assist you?
me: yup, ermm can i get a player?
S: sure, are you player?
me: why?
S: because you ought not to put in any real feelings, otherwise you will lose your soul again.
me: sure, i got that. i am broken enough to feel anything.
S: alright. up size?
me: nope.
S: any msg to go along before i get you a player?
me: love me somehow.
S: that will be a total of 1020 happiness. This is your receipt, kindly pay us after the service. As for now, a deposit of your heart is required.
me: sure.

2010-04-07T07:22:00.002+08:00

once again, i woke earlier than my scheduled time.
i woke in shock again, with my heart beating faster than normal.
i woke to get slapped again, by the fact that it's over.
it's really tormenting to wake abruptly,with my eyes straining wide open.
i feel helpless about this thingy every single day.
wth have i done to deserve all these seriously?

2010-04-04T10:39:00.004+08:00

＜秋天的哀愁＞ - 夏宇

完全不爱了的那人坐在对面看我
像空的宝特瓶不易回收消灭困难

---------------

last nite at gary's function, zouk's music was blasting loud, i danced hard, but even so, my mind was all about you.
it's not like you are gonna care again, it's not like things can go back the way we used to be.
the music was so loud that no one heard me shouting :"i was sad". dumbass.
i really really really need to be :) again.
it's awful these days. i need to find a new seat in life.
i shall only lost that little part of me and go on with a bigger me.
but then again, it keeps breaking everyday, lousy shit.

2010-04-02T15:03:00.001+08:00

逝

下雨的空气

还在身边徘徊

每次为你多留的一份勇气

剩给自己却还是不够

澎湃着的回忆

是捡不完的无辜

记忆的刺青

留在我的每一寸肌肤里

我试着相信

初恋的本质是遗憾

唯有遍体鳞伤后

才能真的重生

2010-04-01T18:15:00.003+08:00

everyday, there's always one moment when i cannot keep my cool.
and floodgates open because of the doubts and crashed hopes.
i did and am trying to be positive about things that are coming my way.

just that in the midst of the hectic reports and exams coming up,the special one isn't there for me anymore. why am i fucking weak when i thought i needed no one all the while?

and yes, you won't hurt me anymore.

2010-03-29T19:57:00.004+08:00

my voice trembled.
if only crying is a matter of choice.

i am really tired to hear my own wails everyday.
i feel naked now.